Secret Yearning
by Lady Kagewaki
Summary: ONE SHOT EDITED Hijikata x Okita pairing. Toshi is distracted by his first unit captain and longs for his affection. PLEASE R&R!


Vice Commander Toshizou Hijikata sat with Commander Kondo and Vice Commander Yamanami working through the strategies of their enemies, the Choshu. Toshi found he couldn't concentrate; his mind was on other things, mainly Souji Okita.

Of course since Souji was the first unit captain of the Shinsengumi it was not unusual that Hijikata would think of him, however the rugged Vice Commander was not thinking how the young swordsman would bolster their offense or secure the defense of the other men. No, no. Hijikata was having more tender thoughts about Souji.

When Souji and Toshi first met Hijikata thought nothing of the boy. He was merely just another young man willing to pledge his life to the way of the sword. It did not take him long to see that Souji was no ordinary boy. Souji was, in fact, extraordinary in almost every way.

Hijikata found himself reaching out to the young man and opening up to him more and more. He had known Souji Okita for a while and had but never before allowed the idea of him being more than a comrade to enter his mind. As Souji grew stronger however, Hijikata noticed Souji growing from a scrawny sickly looking boy into a beautiful man.

In the present, Toshi sat with the other commanders watching their mouths move, and their heads bobbing. Yet, the sounds that came out of their mouths were meaningless to a day dreaming Toshi. Toshi had snap shots of Souji in his mind that he would revisit when Vice Commander Yamanami would go on one of his pacifist tantrums. This was one such moment. Commander Kondo broke up the picture of Souji in Toshi's mind by asking him "So what do you think, Toshi?"

Mr. Hijikata was caught off guard and was embarrassed that he had not heard a single word of the discussion. He thought 'Might as well be honest, if it's something important then I should know, especially if it impedes one of my own policies.' "I'm sorry gentlemen, but I find myself distracted today. I did not hear what you said Sannan, I apologize." Toshi looked out the half open shoji screen and imagined Souji peeking around the frame. 'I have to get him out of my head! What is it that I need from him?' Toshi avoided eye contact of his fellow Commanders as he felt a longing creep up inside of him, a longing for the touch of a lover.

Commander Kondo said "Perhaps it is better to take a break for now. Toshi, if you need time we understand." The men agreed and Toshi was left alone to sort out his thoughts.

Ten minutes into Hijikata's wakeful meditation Souji, holding his pet piglet Saizo, came to the room. Before Souji could inquire Toshi said "Souji, I need to speak to you." Toshizou had made a decision. 'The only way to get these ridiculous thoughts out of the way is to confront them. I won't waste anymore time thinking about Souji if I find he does not think of me.'

Souji became concerned and said in his soft voice "Oh, I hope it's nothing serious, Mr. Hijikata."

Toshi let Souji's voice dance in his ears and wrap around his heart. 'I must know. I have to know…Does he feel the same way about me? Does he care for me…more than just as a comrade or friend?'

Toshi stole a glance at Souji's even skin as his friend settled Saizo in his lap. "I spoke to Comander Kondo" said Souji. Okita turned his wide eyes upon the stern Vice Commander and asked "Is everything alright? He said you were kind of dazing or something."

Toshi thought 'His sincere concern partnered with his delicate beauty breaks me down every time.' "Mmnf" said the Vice Commander. 'Look at me, squirming like a worm. How does such a small and gentle man bring _me_ to my knees? His eyes…are so deep, so clear...'

Toshi's eyes glazed over a bit more and Okita leaned in closer and said "Mr. Hijikata?"

"Mmn" said Toshi, confirming he heard Okita. 'I have to focus and determine once and for all how he feels.'A series of memories passed through Toshi's mind; Souji's delicate hands placing a cup of tea in front of him; Flashes of skin from Souji's forearm as he sparred with another member; The sight of Souji's surprisingly smooth legs when he had fallen and was checking for injury. "Souji sit closer."

Souji nudged forward, but it wasn't close enough. Toshi looked out the screen door and decided on more privacy. He stood and closed the door and then sat down next to Okita.

Toshi sat next to Okita, but leaned around in front of him, staying face to face. The orange light of sunset filtered through the screen and cast mottled orange light across Souji's fair skin. Toshi's back was to the light and hence his face was cast in shadows.

Saizo wiggled away and busied himself with a bug in the corner of the room.

Toshi felt his heart pounding and some adrenaline began to flow through his veins. 'This is it. How do I proceed? If he rejects me I'll be humiliated!'

Souji noticed the serious nature of whatever message Mr. Hijikata was trying to deliver to him. He leaned a little closer and grabbed Toshi's eyes with his own. "It's okay Mr. Hijikata, you can tell me. You can tell me anything" he said with concern. 'Oh dear! I hope he's alright. He looks really serious! More so than usual.'

Mr. Hijikata's eyes then became very sharp and a look of determination came over him. Toshi hesitantly reached out and touched Souji's face. Toshi looked at his own hand 'So capable of killing, but so afraid of…love.'

Souji pressed Toshi's hand to his face and held it there. Souji then understood clearly what was happening. "Go on" said Souji with an encouraging smile. Toshizou leaned in closer and tried to speak a few times, but nothing came. Souji whispered "It's okay. Tell me" and gave Toshi's hand a squeeze.

Souji laughed softly and Hijikata could barely take it anymore. He brought his face close to Souji's, there eyes searched each others. Hijikata was still afraid 'Will he accept if I…If he accepts _this_ then we can easily move forward.'

'Is this it? Is he finally coming to me for more than camaraderie?' thought Souji. The feel of Hijikata's strong hand in his made Souji feel a bit dizzy with excitement. 'I've followed him for this long! It's finally going to happen!'

Toshi brought his lips to Souji's and kissed him. Toshizou thought 'Does he know what I'm saying with this kiss? Can he feel my intention?' Souji replied by wrapping his slender arms around Toshi's neck and pulling himself deeper into the kiss.

Souji was elated. Toshi, as though trying to emphasize his point, pulsed the kiss and dropped his hands from Souji's face to his waist. Their anxieties melted away and through that kiss they understood one another. Their years of secret yearning were fantasies became reality as theyfelt a surge of joy, the ease of contentment, and total acceptance of each other.


End file.
